Enjoying Our Teenagers
“The two most difficult times of life are when we
are a teenager and when we have a teenager!” – A Mother of Three Teens
Most parents are convinced they are in for a
tumultuous time the day their sons or daughters become teenagers. Many describe
the teenager years as a period of near-insanity as children seem to lose their
rationality, become stubborn, irresponsible, rebellious and cause their parents
unrelenting misery. Many parents are also not prepared and equipped to respond
to their teenager’s emotional ups and downs. They are used to having a child
that was cheerful, fun-loving and agreeable, and suddenly now they are faced
with one who is cheerless, always sulking, bad-tempered and seems to want to
challenge everything we say, or worse, becoming glum, moody or sullen and not
talking at all.
This relationship is made more complicated by our
own season of life—by the time our children reach their teens, most of us parents
are also approaching middle age or are well within it, and struggling with our
own mid-life crises. However, parenting teenagers can be a rich, rewarding and
most enjoyable experience, if we learn the skills and are equipped to relate to
our children.
Teen-age is a season of traumatic transition; our
children are passing through a season of dramatic physical and emotional
changes that require major adjustments in the way they think about themselves
and others. They are entering into a new phase of life in which they must learn
to accept greater responsibility for their own lives and future. Adding to the
complication, they also need to come to grips with their maturing sexuality,
where they become more aware of their physical distinctiveness from the
opposite sex. Each of these changes can
create a fear of the unknown. Taken together, this can be overwhelming, confusing
or discouraging, resulting in years that are often punctuated with alternating
periods of excitement, depression, apprehension, discouragement, jealousy and
irritation.
Reasons for Rebellion & Stubbornness
Teen-age is the season when our children are just
about ready to grow out of their childhood dependency and establish their own
identities to become independent adults; to move away from us and start
thinking for themselves.
For years, they have been told what to do, what to
wear, what to study or when and what to eat. In reality, being stubborn and
refusing to cooperate is their way of saying “I can think for myself. I don’t
have to do it your way. Stop treating me like a child”. Unfortunately, most of them are not able to
express their needs rationally and calmly. Instead, emotions get in the way as
they lose their temper.
It seems that until our sons and daughters can
disagree with us, they cannot feel adult or independent. Thus, our role is to help them find acceptable
ways of expressing their opinions, while accepting the rude truth that
disagreeing with us is an entirely normal and necessary step on their pathway
to maturity.
In their effort to become more independent and mature,
often teenagers will put a certain amount of emotional distance between their
parents and themselves. Physiologically, they are gradually turning away from us
as parents as their main source of love, security and comfort in order to
prepare themselves for loving adult relationship with others. This also means
no longer relying on us as their parents to be the authority figures who set
moral standards so as to form their own values and commitments. For some, this
may manifest in teenagers wanting to set their own hours and do what they
please, hence, challenging curfews set by their parents.
Most teenagers need to struggle a little to bid
farewell to childhood. In the process, they may go through some regressive
periods when they exhibit some very childlike behaviour, and swing from one
extreme to another: becoming stubbornly independent one minute and incredibly
dependent the next; one moment they love you and the next they seem to hate
you. And they often want to spend time with their friends or rather be left
alone, but when they need you, they really
need you. They may feel abandoned or depressed and lose confidence if we are
unavailable as an unchanging source of encouragement and support.
Low-self esteem
Many teenagers struggle with low esteem. They
usually feel their parents don’t really know or understand them. Many parents
want their children to fulfil their expectations and thus are very sensitive to
their children’s performance, but aren’t sensitive enough to and involved in
their children’s emotional lives. This gives the child a very confusing
message. From all appearances the parents seem very kind and loving, but at an
unspoken level, the child senses his parents’ lack of genuine emotional availability
and involvement in their life.
A significant number of teens use pleasure to escape
and numb these pains. Frantically, they party, use alcohol, drugs or sexual
pleasure to ward off the underlying feelings of depression and inner emptiness.
And some use the ‘don’t give a damn’ attitude to mask their corrosive
suffering. We always use pain or pleasure to medicate the deepest hurts in our
emotions.
Providing Stability
Teen-age is the season when children break out of
their relatively quiet and stable childhood years. Their bodies are changing,
their minds are changing. Their schools and friends are changing and their
emotions are changing. Nearly everything is in a state of flux. In short, they
are entering the most unsettling and revolutionary years of their lives. In the
middle of these shifting worlds, they need a bearing, a stable anchor. They need
relatively calm and organised parents and a family that can provide stability to
balance their emotional expression and control. As parents, we should try to
provide all the encouragement, understanding and stability we can in this
season of their life.
Parents whose own schedules are irregular or whose
lives are filled with excessive pressure or confusion will compound their
teenager’s emotional imbalance and hypersensitivity. This is often the cycle of
struggle for most parents with their teenagers. First, teenagers develop some
assertive or upsetting behaviour. Next, the parents fail to understand the
significance behind these behaviours, and fail to give them the emotional
support and encouragement they need. And finally, things start to deteriorate
into repeated conflicts as the teenager feels misunderstood and react with
greater negativity or give up and try to find their own way or turn to their
peers for support and understanding. Regrettably, some end up with bad company
or wrong influences and grow to be more and more rebellious. This often creates
a deep chasm between parents and the adolescent.
If only parents can accept these behaviours as a
temporal psychological process necessary in the growing up years, and provide
the emotional support needed to relieve our children’s pain and anger, this
would facilitate their maturing so much better.
If we have been used to giving advice, setting
limits and enforcing rules, we must accept the fact that we can no longer
control many of their actions. Parents at this stage should play the role of a
coach and friend rather than a dictator. Our goal is to love and support them
in ways that foster the maturing. We must recognise that our children still
need us but in a different way—our roles should evolve and grow as our children
do.
Enjoying their growth
Most teenagers are interesting, entertaining and
even funny. Their lives are filled with drama and challenges. It is very
rewarding to see them tackle new challenges and learn to feel more like
competent men and women; growing up and assuming their role in adult society.
Watching a child leave childhood and growing in
maturity in their teenage age years is like watching a beautiful butterfly
coming out of its cocoon. It is great to see how we can now develop deeper and
more mature friendships with them when they begin to share more important
concerns about their lives. For us Christian parents, it’s even more assuring to
see them mature spiritually and make their childhood faith their own. These are
very rewarding and fulfilling times that should bring great joy to us as parents.
Since teens are in the process of growing into adulthood,
they need a lot of encouragement and support. We should be helping them to grow
up from their childhood dependency. If they can sense our happiness over their
new experiences, it would help them to develop a happier and more optimistic
attitude towards life. Simple things like letting them stay up later, letting
them go places with their friends, asking for their input on decision when
making more important purchases like a car or furniture would made them feel
that you respect them and their decision making ability.
Helicopter Parents
“Helicopter parents” are overprotective parents who
hover over their children. This unhealthy interference actually discourages
children from being independent and taking responsibility for their own
lives. In the long run, they would not
be able to make decisions for themselves. Guidance means showing the way
without taking over the task. It is important to allow mistakes (not the
dangerous kind though) to happen. Children need to learn from their mistakes.
The more we trust and take pleasure in our
teenager’s activities, the better they will feel about themselves. Teenagers
whose parents have difficulty enjoying their activities can grow up feeling
isolated and unable to relax and enjoy life. For that reason, many grow into adults
that are unable to feel good about their successes. These high achievers feel
that their accomplishments are insufficient to satisfy their parents or merit
enjoyment. Some develop a workaholic lifestyle that focus on winning or
achieving but never on enjoying life. Unconsciously, they are trying to live up
to their parents’ expectations and get the affirmation that they did not
receive during their teenage years. Teenagers need a lot of our affirmation to
grow up into healthy adults.
Be Real
Sharing our own experiences or struggles with our children
is one of the best ways of helping our teens cope with their struggles. It will
encourage them to share with us more freely and let them know that they can
trust us because we can empathize with their situation. They can take comfort
to see that a troubled teen can become a successful adult.
To put it simply, it is to let our teenagers know
their conflicts are normal and that mom and dad survived some similar
experiences. This erects a bridge of understanding that helps our teenagers
cross more confidently into adulthood.
There are four important steps process of becoming a
healthy mature adult:
A) Healthy
attachment
B) Gradual
separation
C) Developing
one’s own individuality
D) Establishing
one’s stable identity
Healthy Attachment
As infants, children have very little awareness of
the world around them. They spend most of their time eating or sleeping.
However, during this stage, the presence of the loving maternal contact gives
them a great calming influence as infants equate their mothers’ presence with
safety, nourishment and care. Infancy is the root to intimacy.
During this time, their emotional lives are closely
bound up with their attachment to their mother. If the mother is tense,
anxious, angry or sad, they tend to experience the same irritation. On the
other hand, if the mother is calm and relaxed, the baby is usually more composed.
Our children’s success in coping with both
adolescence and adulthood will be greatly influenced by the quality of
attachment they experience during their early months of life. Infants who are attached
healthily to happy mothers are more likely to feel comfortable with others, to
trust and to establish meaningful relationships because they have a foundation
for emotional closeness. They are also more resilient to problems in life due
to the strong foundation of emotional bonding in their early childhood
development.
Problems in bonding securely to the mother can make
it more difficult to relate securely to others in the future. Children who fail
to bond securely to their mothers during their early years are likely to
struggle with close relationship later in their teenage and adult years as they
do not know how to build true and deep intimacy with others.
Some become antisocial; others grow up seeking
endlessly for someone to cling to or worse, some seek through a series of
sexual partners in order to fill their inner emotional void for true intimacy. Emotional
deficiencies often make us vulnerable and causes distorted personality
development in their teenage and adult years, like insecurity, inferiority,
immorality, addiction, compulsive behaviour, eating and mental disorder, etc. For
some, they are unable to develop healthy relationships, and once they find
someone, they become so possessive, clinging or demanding that they suffocate
or frighten the other party away. When they start dating, the relationship
tends to get very intense quickly as they are desperately seeking for
attachment to fill the deep emotional void.
Children must be loved and nurtured for many years
in order to grow up and become healthy adults. Their close attachment with
their parents provides the safety and protection they need to grow healthy
emotionally. Every stage of human development has one or more major tasks or
challenges that are especially important for that particular period. Those
needs or tasks must be met or finished in order for children to move
successfully to the next level of maturity.
Each successful navigated stage prepares them to enter confidently into the next stage of development. Each failure to develop the inner resource needed at a particular stage will make future adjustment that much more difficult.
We must fill up
their emotional love tank by building happy relationships in the impressionable
years just prior to adolescence so that they have the inner resources for the
journey through adolescence that lies ahead. Everything we want to do for our
teenagers will depend on how loved and understanding they feel by us. As our
personality is formed in the first six to seven years of our lives, any
traumatic experience during this period of our childhood can adversely affect
our personality development. Many associated pain, shame, fear and guilt is
often locked up in recesses of our subconscious during this period.
Lamentably, many modern parents sacrifice this
important growth process for career or the pursuit of a higher standard of
living, sending their children to childcare centres or leaving their care to
grandparents or domestic helpers. Although some may receive good physical and
mental care in good childcare centres, they will always lack a stable parental
figure to which they can attach to securely. Many children’s earliest need for
bonding are never met, and hence they grow into emotionally weak teenagers,
with their feelings easily hurt, getting jealous or envious and developing
resentment and bitterness easily.
Gradual Separation -Stay Available and Connected
Some parents assume that because their teenagers are
so busy with their own activities and friends, they don’t need their parents
anymore and start neglecting them. That could be a fatal mistake. Teenagers
face many challenges – academic stress, peer pressure, dating troubles,
uncertainties of the future, etc. They need our availability and listening ears
to reassure them in the overwhelming world.
Hence, occasionally, they still need an adult
perspective. Keep listening and do not shut them off. However, we need to be
sensitive and non-intrusive. Don’t pressure them into disclosing more than they
desire. We need to be optimally present, sensitively available – present yet
invisible, that is, keeping the right degree of psychological closeness.
We should listen to help them to clarify their
thoughts; help them to identify their strengths and weaknesses yet at the same
time encourage them to think for themselves and build confidence in their
decision-making skills. Most importantly, offer advice only as opinion but not
as a settled fact as they will tend to rebel if they feel that we are too
controlling as they are trying to form their identities.
They wanted our interest and attention but also need
space to feel adult. They want their parents in the background, and yet they
want them readily available. They feel disappointed if they return to an empty
house. One study found that teenagers were more depressed, engaged in more
solitary drinking of alcohol and were more sexually active at an earlier age
than teenagers who had a parent at home when they returned home. They need our
affirmation of their successes and want us to share in their excitement and
accomplishments.
Parenting teenagers is about finding a balance
between loving availability and respectful distance. Our teenagers need us to
be available for laughing and relaxing and also at times for serious talk. They
need our availability to share in their victories and success and also our
consolation and encouragement when things get tough. However, at the same time,
they also need the freedom to develop their own identity towards their own
adulthood. They need a solid support base to reach out to the adult world and
find their security in us as their parents.
Much teenage rebellion is because they feel
emotionally abandoned. Many parents assume that their love is deeply embedded
in the mind of their teenagers thus fail to communicate it enough to meet their
needs. Even though their parents love
them, they inwardly feel uncared for. Psychologists call this abandonment rage.
Many teenage parents are physically present, but emotionally unavailable, they
are passive and uninvolved in their child daily activities. Hence, their child
may be loved but they don’t feel loved in a practical way in their daily life.
Teenagers must be able to communicate freely with their mums and dads. They
need a deep feeling of belonging and being loved. Their emotional love tank
needs to be full to equip them for the rough teenage journey.
Some teenagers who don’t experience enough parental
support develop dependant or depressive lifestyles. They withdraw from most
social activities with their peers so they can stick as close as possible to a
parent or adult friend. Thus, they miss out on developing healthy peer
relationships. Others who feel
emotionally abandoned turn to sexual promiscuity or drugs or alcohol for
consolation. Their premature disconnection from parental nourishment leaves
them with an unquenchable hunger for love, which they try to satisfy or escape
through sexual unhealthy vices. Grievously, human beings always use pain to
medicate pain in a disastrous vicious cycle.
Developing one’s own individuality &
Establishing one’s stable identity - Listening
If parents give a lot of advice but aren’t sensitive
listeners, children may feel that their parents only care about their successes
and wonder if they are truly concerned about their needs and value them as a
person. Even though parents seem extremely involved in their children’s
activities, their children can still feel isolated and unsupported if they
sense that their parent’s interest in their achievements are more about
vicarious living and their ego than genuine concern for their good. They may
feel that their parents’ interest is selfish as many parents forced and shape
their children to lives according to their own expectations.
Parents who are dissatisfied with their own
achievements can try to live out their own wishes or goals through their
children. They unknowingly push their children to fulfil their own dreams. This
often makes children an extension of their parents and creates feelings of
guilt and failure when they fail to live up to their parents’ expectations.
They drive them incessantly to become doctors, lawyers or successful
professionals. Some are pressured to take over the family business. They shape
their emotional decisions and choice of vocation instead of allowing them a
choice to discover their own unique gifts or interests.
Fearful of losing their parent’s approval, children often
conform and avoid all confrontation with their parents, thus distorting their
own personalities. They develop a false sense of identity instead of becoming
the unique individuals God created them to be.
These children may function very well on the outside
– in fact, they may be leaders in their schools or churches, but sadly, they
are neither fulfilled nor happy. They are like apples trees being forced to
bear oranges. Everything they do runs against their innate, god given potential
and gifts. That takes the enjoyment out of their life and turns their work into
a boring routine. They may not be able to incorporate an intimate, loving side
because these feelings are suppressed. Thus, the only option is to solidify
their personality as a workaholic, to gain satisfaction through worldly success.
Regrettably, many of these people become prime
candidates for midlife crises. They suddenly wake up in their forties and
decide they want out of their jobs, life-styles, marriages, as if trying to
turn back to recapture their lost youth. If we as parents are sensitive about
letting our children develop their own individuality and establishing their
stable identity through a healthy childhood, teen-age, and young adulthood, these
tragedies can be avoided.
The apostle Paul gave a good antidote for avoiding
this skewed identity formation. In 1Cor.12:12-27, he pointed out that the
church, like a human body, has many different parts or members. Each member of
the church should develop and use his or her own gifts, not try to become like
someone else. In fact, he put it in a humorous way: “if
the whole body uses the eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body
were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?”
God created us with different abilities and
interests. Our task as parents is to help our children identify their unique
capabilities and to support them in fulfilling their own unique potential, not
try to shape them into our image. They must have the freedom and be allowed
these opportunities to grow so that they can both fulfil their god given
potential and best find their niche in society.
Distorted Personality Development
Many teenagers are also being forced to grow up too
quickly. The increase in two working parents and single parent families means
many teenagers come home to an empty house, with no emotional or healthy
attachment and connection. They have less parental role models and guidance and
more unsupervised time and social freedom.
Many modern parents are too busy to get involved in
their children’s daily lives, too anxious to listen patiently, too preoccupied
to draw out their feelings, too desirous and too domineering, wanting to see
them grow up in predetermined ways instead of maturing them to live up to their
own dreams.
Teenagers today face far greater pressures at much
earlier ages than their counterparts of a generation or two ago. They also lose
their childhood innocence much earlier due to media and technology. The
combination of increased external pressure and decreased support at earlier
ages forces many teenagers to grow up without the necessary emotional
resources.
Although they may look adult on the outside,
inwardly they are empty and the child in them never grows. They are highly
competent but deeply insecure. They are like empty beautiful decorative Easter
egg shells. Though they look wonderful, they are actually very fragile and
unsettled. Many have learnt to create a strong self-reliant exterior to mask
their inner needs. These teens lack an inner sense of solidity and strength and
personal identity. Some suffer lasting feeling of loneliness and isolation and
become vulnerable to stress and pressures and are more likely to turn to
various forms of escapism like alcohol, drugs or promiscuous sexuality. Feeling
anchorless and unappreciated, they latch on to anyone or anything that seems to
be able to fulfil their needs. Instead of gradually growing out of their
dependency, they have simply transferred them to their addiction. They become
vulnerable and develop poor prospects for establishing healthy, intimate
relationship with a marriage partner and later with their children. Others
develop a pattern of toughness or irresponsibility or worse, some may
tragically turn to suicide, the ultimate effort to escape.
We can have the best education money can buy, but no
amount of money or education, or friends can replace the loving nourishment of
parents as God has intended. Teenagers with good supportive parents may still go
through brief periods of rebellion or experimentation with alcohol or drugs.
However, it is unlikely to last long or become embedded in their personalities
as the root of rebellion and addiction is often emotional deficiencies.
Transition – Relationship in Infancy
& Adolescence
As teenagers go through adolescence, we should
expect some alternating times of calm and conflict. Each time they are given a
new opportunity to separate themselves from us to become more independent, they
may experience a surge of enthusiasm or excitement. However, they may also feel
afraid or overwhelmed. Hence, they may temporarily turn back to the old ways
they used to cope as children. They may pout or throw tantrums to get their way
or express frustration. They may withdraw or retreat or want us to indulge or
protect or comfort them the way we did when they were children. In other words,
they regress to more childish levels of adjustment under the impact of new
strains and stress. They rock back and forth between development stages.
However, if their childhood years are healthily
developed and they have good attachment with their parents, by the time of their
teenage years, it will help them greatly in their transition. Children who pass
comfortably through the first decade of life bring a sense of inner strength to
adolescence. If they have a secure attachment and bonded well with their
parents in early childhood, they have a relatively stronger sense of their
identity as separate people. They are more able to relate confidently to
others. They aren’t hypersensitive to rejection and they don’t need to cling
dependently to others to make up for earlier deprivation.
They are able to develop healthy close relationships
with others and also intimacy with their spouses because they don’t fear being
engulfed by an intrusive parent. We all need to be loved to be able to relate
well with others lovingly. Thus, in the childhood years, they need to have
taken in years of parental nurturing that produces an inner sense of being
loved so that it will help them to relate intimately with others. Many adults
are not able to relate intimately even with their spouse emotionally and
spiritually because they were not nurtured in that manner. For that reason,
their marriage often grows emotionally away with each other with passing years
instead of deeper and closer.
If children fail to bond securely to their mothers
in their early childhood years, or they grew up with mothers who were tense and
anxious and suffered persistent parental over-control, they will have a more
difficult time in their adolescence. Their social and dating relationships may
turn into a tangle of crushes, hurts, idealizations, or resentments. They may
be unprepared to say no in the face of peer influence because they have
habitually followed others. They may be so fearful that they can’t fit
comfortably among their peers. Or they may become stubborn or rebellious in
order to cope with their fears of being overwhelmed by controlling people.
Loving, peaceful and happy experiences in early life
are like money in the bank. Children who build up a good account of emotional
currency will be able to draw on their account throughout their lives. Our
years of love, our values and perspective will provide the framework and
foundation for their attitudes, values and decisions in the teenage and adult
years.
Reasons for rebellion
Three Psychological process of emotional growth for
adolescents:
a) Differentiation
The argumentative stage happens as they try to prove
that they are different from us and can think for themselves. Occasionally and
subconsciously, they will wonder how they are different from their parents,
from their friends, from the opposite sex and try to figure out their identity
and whether their uniqueness is acceptable.
Anger often peaks at this age as they struggle with
their conflicting desires to be independent while still being undeniably
dependent on their parents. They often experience an emotional roller coaster
and some become vulnerable to depression. When their desire to be independent
predominates, they can deny all of their weaknesses and dependencies and be
stubbornly independent. Yet because their adult feelings aren’t yet
sufficiently settled, many blame their parents for their upsetting emotions. In
the process they can turn parents into enemies blocking their path to maturity
instead of friends wanting to help them on their way.
They need our help in establishing new relationships,
learning to compete with their peers and testing out their feelings about their
sexuality and their abilities to relate to opposite sex. If they know we support
their efforts at growing up, they feel freer to keep moving on towards greater
independence and maturity.
b) Separation
When our children were young, we seemed omnipotent
and omniscient to them. We seemed so intelligent, powerful and wise. Their
exalted view of us was comforting during their childhood years since they needed
to bask in our strength and wisdom. In order for them to grow up as competent
adults they have to make a major change in relating this picture of us to
themselves. Their temporary grandiosity and narcissism and even negativism are
ways of building a more adult image of themselves. They need a healthy
separation from us emotionally to find their own distinct identity. Choosing
their own clothes, friends, music, hobbies and the food are ways of saying “this
is who I am”.
Increasing physical distance from parents is
basically a process of disengaging from childhood dependencies. They often
struggle with the dependency/independency crisis.
Question they often ask themselves:
-
Can I stop relying so much on my parents
-
Can I survive in the world without my
parents
-
Can I find people outside of my family
to share my life?
We should give teenagers plenty of opportunity to
express their own ideas and perspectives; appreciate their ideas and take them
seriously; communicate respect and be careful not to put down their opinions or
quench their independent thinking. Children with parents that make a lot of
unilateral decisions or tend to be critical or controlling have a harder time
developing self-confidence. They need a sense of competence to securely relate
to the real world. Thus, they need to have stored multiple memories of small,
successful steps on which they can build the foundational confidence and
security to handle the adult world.
Remember, though teenagers want increased
independence, they still need our emotional refuelling. They return when they
are feeling lonely or frightened. If we aren’t available when they come back
for reassurance, they will feel abandoned and cut off from the support they
need.
c) Integration
and Consolidation
The teenage years are the period where our children
are pulling together all the physical, intellectual, emotional, social and
spiritual growth. This is the most chaotic and confusing time of their lives as
this is a process of forming their own identities, and growing into a
relatively stable and enduring personality of their own. They are trying out
adult attitudes and actions but like vastly oversized clothes, they find they
don’t quite fit.
Children and teens who feel that they can never
please their parents or teenagers whose parents make them feel guilty for
thinking their own thoughts or doing things their own ways have special
difficulties growing away from their “inner parents”. They may struggle for years
to throw off these inner doubts.
Our effectiveness in parenting will depend as much on
our sensitivity to our own feeling as to that of our children. If we are
irritated or upset by our teenagers’ need to argue or challenge, they may have
a more difficult time in the growth process of separating from us. Our
teenagers will find it easier to become less dependent on their inner memories
of us if they know we love them just the way they are. They can walk away from
childhood with the picture of an approving parent who has confidence in their
abilities to make good decisions to enjoy and to cope responsibly with life.
This will help to free teenagers to become what God intended them to be.
Negativism & Narcissism
The
emotions of teenagers are especially volatile, unpredictable and must be
treated sensitively. They need the space to be different from us. At times,
they may just want to be left alone for a while or allowed to wade through
their negative emotions without our interruption or advice. They wanted to work
out their thoughts and emotions according to their schedules and time. Even our
best efforts of offering consolation are met with curt remarks like “Just leave
me alone!” or “I don’t want to talk about it!”
In
this stage of their growth process, they can be quite narcissistic, that is,
they can be totally absorbed in their own world and oblivious to the
consequences of their actions. They can also be extremely sensitive or selfish,
especially of their privacy. During this period, some teenagers can almost seem
to forget that their parents exist. They are on the go, spending time with
their friends and exploring their world, almost oblivious to us.
Self-esteem
Survey on teenagers revealed their three greatest
worries: grades, looks and popularity. This is the major developmental
challenge facing teenagers. The radical changes in teens’ minds and bodies
force them to revaluate their self-image.
During childhood, attitudes towards themselves were
based largely on their relationship with us. Our love and training laid the
foundation for their self-esteem. Teenagers who have poor self-esteem are
especially vulnerable. If they compare themselves unfavourably to their peers,
it can trigger the feeling of inferiority and self-hatred and cause them to be
discouraged or depressed.
This is especially true for girls who never received
the attention they need from their fathers. They may welcome the attention of
boys with undue eagerness long before they are emotionally mature enough to
handle it. As soon as they date, they start getting deeply involved physically
or emotionally in a vain effort to fill the void caused by an absent father.
Friends
Teenagers begin to step away emotionally from us and
shift their attachment to their friends. This shifting of relationship explains
why peer pressure can be so overwhelming. If their friends don’t constantly
reassure them of their belonging or worth, they may become extremely jealous,
hurt and angry. They seek out intense friendships and spend hours together exploring
and sharing secrets. Many parents feel abandoned as their teenagers turn
increasingly towards their friends. However, we should be sensitive and not
criticize their friends or we may end up shutting them out completely.
If our children have successfully passed the developments
stages of early and middle adolescence, our children will enter young adulthood
relatively settled and secure emotionally and are more equipped and confident
to face the real world. It will also help them to develop lasting, deep and
loving commitment to a member of the opposite sex.
Teenage Sexuality
Today, sex is used
to sell everything from fashion and phones to cars and property. We are living
in a culturally over sexualized society. If our children are to be escorted
safely through the jungle of immorality in our society, as parents, we need to
be vigilant and consecrated in teaching and modelling Christian virtues.
From a child’s early years, sexual body parts such
as the penis, vagina and breasts should be referred to as naturally as hands,
nose and ears are. Our children should be encouraged to ask questions about
their bodies by our attitude of openness. Our attitude towards sexuality and
the quality of our relationship with our teenagers are very vitally important
in sex education. As puberty approaches, they need more explicit information.
We should lookout for teachable moments when they ask spontaneous questions or exhibit
curiosity.
We must be comfortable with our own sexuality and
communicate openly with our children while they are growing up. If they ask why
we are taking contraception pills or come across a supply of condoms, the best
response is openness - “We’re not planning to have children now.” And depending
on their age, explain honestly to them in an appropriate way rather than shun
their questions.
Some parents fear that by talking to their teens
about sex and birth control will encourage them to act on their sexual urges.
Just the opposite is true. Adolescents who don’t understand their sexuality are
more likely to experiment in order to satisfy their curiosity.
Teenagers need to know that absolutely no question
is out of bounds. They should feel free to talk about anything that crosses their
minds. And when they ask any questions, we should give direct answers that
convey accurate information. If they want to know how we practice birth control
or our view on homosexuality, pornography, answer them. These are good
opportunities to address those concerns from a Christian worldview. They don’t
need a sermon, but they do need a biblical perspective on their sexuality and
insight from our own experience and convictions.
In order to get the message across that their
sexuality is a gift from God, our teenagers will need continued affirmation of
their developing sexuality. They need our approval of their increasing interest
in the opposite sex. Pre-adolescents (about 10-12 years) still tend to spend
most of their time in same sex groupings. These friendships are good and
healthy as it helps to give them a source of love and support outside the home.
Although they are beginning to become aware of the opposite sex and increasingly
involved in mixed social interactions, their heterosexual interests are still
limited. Boys especially prefer the company of their own sex as they are
solidifying their masculine identities with their male friends though they may
also begin to show interest in the opposite sex
However, during early adolescence (about 13-15
years), several changes will begin to take place in their social relationships.
They begin to pay a lot more attention to the opposite sex, and unfortunately
without proper guidance and nurturing, some begin dating and many unsupervised
teens have their first sexual encounter at this age.
We need to treat them like budding adults, not
little children. For them, dating is sign of maturity and another exciting mini
passage on the road to adulthood. We need to be sensitive to any concerns and
anxieties they may have. Don’t be too quick to be overly excited to talk about
their dates, but don’t just sit back and be disinterested either. Let them take
the lead to be prepared to give them as much interest as they need.
A healthy teen will develop healthy heterosexual
relationships. During this period, they are also defining their own identities.
These relationships, though not romantic, can expand our teenagers’ confidence
and their ability to relate to others. Same sex friends remain important, but
the level of interest in the opposite sex increases.
By 16-17 years of age, jealousy towards same sex
friends is common as they complete for the attention of members of the opposite
sex. Thus, many late teens show a sudden increase in their masculinity or
femininity and take renewed interest in their looks and dress.
These are key psychological social developments that
prepare children for healthy relationships with the opposite sex. If these
developments have progressed smoothly, our teenagers should mature into
adulthood with positive and realistic attitudes toward themselves and others.
They will provide a solid foundation for relating meaningfully to the opposite
sex and integrating their maturing sexuality into their total personalities.
Human sexuality is a powerful and beautiful
God-given aspect of our lives. It grows out of our personalities and involves
our bodies, our emotions, our relational abilities, our values and our
spiritual commitments. Because of its complexity, sex is often subject to
serious distortions and our teenagers need a lot of assistance integrating
their sexuality into their lives. We can help by enabling them to learn to feel
good about their sexuality, developing a positive attitudes and values about
their sexuality and helping them set appropriate limits.
We can help by:
-
Being open and direct in discussing
sexuality
-
Affirming their developing masculine and
feminine identities
-
Communicating positive attitudes and
values about the human body and sexuality
-
Being aware of their friends and setting
some realistic limits on their activities
-
Helping them learn to set limits on
their physical expressions of affection
If we can offer godly understanding and support, we
can help our teen’s journey be that much easier, safer and more enjoyable. We
will also prepare them for the full expression of sexuality in marriage.
Manage our own Anxiety
As parents, there is always the fear that our sons
and daughters will become prematurely sexually active. We are concerned and
want them to avoid the pain that comes from sexual intimacy before marriage.
But do not let our worry create more problems. Some of our anxieties can stem
from our own guilt and shame.
We can end up setting unrealistic curfews or
interrogating them so thoroughly after every date that it may actually push
them toward premarital sexual intimacies out of implosive anger and rebellion,
or cause them to shut us out entirely. On the other hand, we shouldn’t ignore
the realities of sexual experimentation. It is naïve to think our sons and
daughters are beyond temptation just because they are religiously committed.
Sadly, the truth is that majority of even Christian adolescents and young
adults will have sexual intercourse before they marry.
It is appropriate for teenagers to have an agreed
time to return home and for us to know where and who they are with. Good
boundaries help teenagers avoid making some bad decisions. Although our
teenagers may not appreciate our limits at that time, they will sense our
caring and accept them if they are appropriate and stem from adult wisdom—not excessive
parental anxiety.
Being a virgin is no longer seen as a virtue when
peer pressure to become sexually active is on the rise. The average teenager
sees several thousand actual or implied acts of sex on media every year. Ninety
per cent of those are outside of marriage and most of them are presented through
brief encounters. It is a sad reality that in this world of instant
gratification, not many movies or books will take the time and effort needed to
display the beauty of sex in marriage or present the true length of time people
need to build deep companionship and love.
Masturbation
God created us with sexual desire just as he created
us with the appetite for food. All these desires need to be filled at the
appropriate time and in appropriate ways. The problem comes when we attempt to
satisfy our desires inappropriately or when they become an obsession.
Self-control and appropriate expression of desire is
the biblical standard, whether it relates to food, money, work, exercise, or
sexuality. We develop self-control when we feel good about ourselves and are
emotionally healthy people. Teenagers who become obsessed with sex or
masturbate compulsively, are like people who are obsessed with money or status
or food—this usually points to deeper underlying problems.
Teenagers need to feel good about their sexual
maturation and their bodies and be able to talk freely with their parents. They
need to develop good attitudes towards themselves and the opposite sex. Some
may feel so inferior and develop very negative attitudes to the opposite sex
and become obsessed with masturbation as a private consolation.
By contrast, teenagers who feel good about
themselves and have a good knowledge of human sexuality are not riddled with
feelings of guilt or undue curiosity. Consequently, they are able to healthily
integrate their sexual feelings into their developing personalities and not
become sexuality preoccupied. If they have these attitudes and a clear biblical
understanding of the meaning of sex and the need for some limits and
self-control, they will be able to develop mature and appropriate boundaries
for expressing their sexuality before marriage. These apply to both
masturbation and their physical expression with the opposite sex.
All human abilities and attitudes and expressions of
desire go through phrases of development. Children eat as children, play as
children and talk like children and they grow in steps and with age. Teenage
sexual desire should not be an exception to this rule. It is impossible for
them to have no sexual interest until marriage. If that were the case, it would
be the only area of human existence that didn’t go through a normal progression
of development.
If we couple the complete biblical picture of
sexuality with an understanding of normal human development, we can help our
teenagers feel good about their developing sexuality, and not repress or
totally deny their sexual desires.
In this rapidly dynamic changing world, many parents
are bewildered and struggle to connect effectively with their children. On the
other hand, teens are longing for parents who are willing to help them through
the confusing maze of contemporary youth culture and lead them to a spiritually
and emotionally healthy adulthood. We pray and hope that this article will be a
blessing to many parents and help to close this widening generation gap so that
we can all embrace the rich rewarding joy of parenting our teens.
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